Conscious Relationships : When to Hold on and When to Let GO

The core of conscious relationships begins with you.

You are the only person you can really control, therefore when challenges arise between you and another, turn inward rather than project emotions outward in an attempt to change someone else.

When I say this, I don’t mean that we are to endure actual abuse. If there is physical, emotional, or spiritual abuse happening you need to remove yourself from the situation and get to safety. I mainly want to discuss romantic partnership in this post, for the sake of helping you see the way through challenges of long term coupling with another.

Unconscious patterns have you yell at your partner telling them all the bad and wrong things they are doing to make you unhappy.

Or the other way around, your partner is yelling at you, reminding you how much you don’t do to contribute to the relationship.

In both examples, you can see an outward projection of feelings. Meaning the person speaking is usually feeling that certain way and they don’t have the capacity to be with those emotions, yet. So they blame the nearest victim so they can feel relief.

However efficient this might seem, it is rather harmful to the longevity and sustainability of a relationship.

Many times we unconsciously couple with people who know exactly how to trigger us into our worst states of being.

For example, in the early years of my relationship, I was often sad. My sad state of being made my partner upset and angry.

The programming of society says that this is normal and if there are enough good things about the relationship, you should stay.

While conscious relationship programming says that this is an opportunity for growth if the two parties are willing to look at their “ugly”.

My ugly was sad. My partner’s ugly was anger.

My sadness had nothing to do with my partner. And his anger had nothing to do with me.

For me, sadness was just an emotional state that I felt comfortable and safe in when I was a younger version of myself that I decided to carry on with me as an adult.

I began noticing the disconnect that was happening between my partner and I.

I deeply wanted connection, yet the sadness game wasn't working with him.

I became a warrior to navigate the rough waters of depression and anxiety through my partnership. I knew there was a way to clear myself of the emotional trauma that haunted me since I was a pre-teen.

I began to uncover what kinds of scenarios triggered me into states of sadness. I learned to take radical responsibility for my feelings of despair, while simultaneously activating the power of my voice.

I began asking for what I wanted.

I discovered how to express my feelings with honesty and integrity, without blame. It was uncomfortable at first, but the work was worth the effort.

Eventually, my vulnerability and authenticity opened the door for my partner to look at himself more clearly, too.

Years later and development of this work, I began proclaiming my innocence during outbursts of my partner’s anger.

The bubble of protection I created for myself was rooted in the identification with my innocence (much like a baby) and it was that belief ultimately shifted the dynamics between us.

I held my solid ground and knowing of my innocence without being triggered.

Not only was I sure of my innocence, I began to see his.

In conscious, or spiritual relationships there is a fine line of taking responsibility for things and bypassing the reality.

But I chose to walk the path of a conscious relationship and stand in my power.

If I really did something to warrant the anger response, I would immediately and sincerely apologize.

And other times I had to take space and let him cool off to see the scenario more clearly.

Perhaps he'd see that I didn't do anything to hurt him, or that there was a misunderstanding or miscommunication or that I'm not to blame for his feelings.

All things are possible. I'm not a mind reader, I just know that our arguments have gotten way better.

In that grounded place of knowing of my innocence, I was able to be the bridge back to sanity and love for our relationship.

I could create the words of understanding, peace, and healing that gave us relief without me needing to take the blame for someone else’s anger.

It wasn’t always as easy as it sounds, I faltered and folded under the pressure of anger. Sometimes I yelled back, sometimes I caved and cried.

At times I thought our relationship might be complete.

And then I was empowered a little more to stand in my truth.

And by standing in my truth, my partner has risen to meet me each time.

That is how I know that we still have time together.

He rises with me. He chooses to do the work no matter how challenging it is.

If he chose to stay the same, commit to his smallness, his anger, righteousness then I would know very clearly that our time together is complete.

If he was OK with being angry and thought yelling was the proper way of communication, then I would know our time together is complete.

We both learned to understand each other’s tender emotional places and learned to flow with them, together.

Countless times I fell into my partner's arms crying like the world was coming to an end.

And time after time he had to resist trying to fix me or do anything other than simply hold me.

His programming made him upset when he couldn’t fix my sadness the way he knew how.

When he tried to make everything better with what he knows, coaching or lecturing, I would bury my head deeper into the sadness longing to be acknowledged. I didn’t want to be told my feelings were bad and wrong.

And that's how I came to see my partner's innocence. I knew he didn't want to be bad and wrong for being angry either.

But there needed to be a better way to express those emotions coming from both sides that weren't destructive to the relationship.

I knew the depths of my emotions were wrapped up in the sadness of the world, and it was important for me to feel them, not rationalize them, shame them, or ignore them.

I needed to feel them.

The song below became an anthem for me during these times. It helped me see the big picture of the work we were doing together as a couple.

I eventually found the magic words that shifted everything for us.

“Just hold me”.

We learned to relax into these tender spaces and they became highly charged with deep love and connection for each other.

Over time, my reactions and needs with the emotion of sadness shifted and I was able to see myself in loving eyes when the feeling would roll in.

I made a commitment that I would support myself in being at peace with sadness. I wouldn’t shoo it away, I would find a place in my heart to hold it when it arose.

This level of personal responsibility was necessary in the growth and evolution of my relationship with my partner.

But finally, I was in the place where I could see the emotions arise and not get completely swallowed by them, like the ocean.

I could distinguish who I was, separate from the emotion.

I probably could have done this work on my own, or with therapists, or healing modalities, but my path led up to this beautiful opportunity of conscious relationships.

I believe that I went faster than I could have with my partner than with any other technique or method of healing.

I was stumbling through, trusting my intuition, allowing myself to feel everything as I went against the grain of what I was taught about relationships and what my partner was taught about relationships.

It wasn’t easy without a map.

It was challenging each day for about a year’s worth of time.

And I wouldn’t change any of it, because it helped us build a strong foundation of who we are as a couple today.

We did the work of having difficult conversations, holding each other’s feelings of rejection, abandonment, shame, resentment, guilt, & grief.

If these emotions are too much for you to hold and love, you know you’ve found someone special when they can hold what you cannot.

Let them hold you while you kick and scream.

Let them hold you while you sob.

And be free of the emotions that once felt too much.

Lean into your partner and lean into love.

Photo taken by Rhianna Mercier-Portilla on the Big Island of Hawaii

Because once you learn to trust your partner to hold you, you learn that the emotions you once feared are no longer a threat.

The bigness of emotions that once felt too big to hold, now feel manageable and you create an opening for you to regain your power.

By leaning into love, you transmute the intensity of fear, loneliness, anger, and anxiety into love and connection.

Feelings and emotions are energy in motion.

The energy in emotions such as sadness are directed in a particular direction, and follow through until there is a shift.

Emotions can be endless, bottomless pits.

We can feel all the way until our death.

But what if we learned to use this energy for our growth and evolution?

We must devote ourselves to evolving to the next level of emotional mastery, and it can happen in the haven of conscious relationships.

When we evolve our emotional intelligence, we can use our emotions as guideposts for what action we need to take, and what words we need to express.

Our emotions are guiding us home to who we really are.

They are here to help us shed the socially conditioned programs that don’t feel in alignment with our soul’s purpose.

They are here to aid us in the greater mission of serving humanity.

Emotions are here to be the source of connection and empathy between people across the globe. We are born to feel and when we can feel safe with all of our feelings, we expand into infinite possibilities.

So if you’ve found yourself with someone that cannot hold you in your rage, or that cannot hold you in your sadness, there still might be hope.

Create some space for you to express your desires around a relationship container to heal old wounds. Remember the intensity of the container is temporary as it should evolve and shift over time if you are successful.

And the goal of creating a request like this is to deepen connection, intimacy and love. Expressing the reason behind the request is usually a big winner.

I always suggest leading the conversation with something to protect your partner from feeling bad or wrong and creating a bridge for connection and closeness. (This statement may change depending on their triggers, but if someone often feels shame for who they are and things they do, this one works great).

For example, I would go to my partner and say:

“Hey hun, I want to say something to you. Is now a good time?” (wait for a YES before proceeding).

“First of all, I want to express how much I love and appreciate you. What I want to share is about me, and has no reflection or judgment about you being good enough, bad, or wrong. My intention is to bring us closer together.

“I’m really longing to feel deeper intimacy and connection with you, and I have an idea about what I need. Maybe we can try something when I get in a sad or upset mood. I would love it if you could just hold me.

I’m afraid that you’ll get triggered when you can’t fix my sadness, but I want you to know that holding me is helping me more than anything else. You don’t have to say anything. You don’t have to do anything but wrap your arms around me.”

I’d love for you to hold me until I feel complete, and I will say so when I feel better.”

What do you think? Is this something you're open to trying?

The framework you can use for this is:

1. Ask Permission

2. Acknowledge Love and Appreciation

3. Express Your Desires

4. Express Fears

5. Express Boundaries

6. Listen

Go back through the example and identify each piece of the framework so you can avoid making mistakes your first go around.

1. “Hey hun, I want to say something to you. Is now a good time?” (wait for a YES before proceeding).

2. “First of all, I want to express how much I love and appreciate you. What I want to share is about me, and has no reflection or judgment about you being good enough, bad, or wrong. My intention is to bring us closer together.

3. “I’m really longing to feel deeper intimacy and connection with you, and I have an idea about what I need. Maybe we can try something when I get in a sad or upset mood. I would love it if you could just hold me.

4. I’m afraid that you’ll get triggered when you can’t fix my sadness, but I want you to know that holding me is helping me more than anything else. You don’t have to say anything. You don’t have to do anything but wrap your arms around me.”

5. I’d love for you to hold me until I feel complete, and I will say so when I feel better.”

6. What do you think? Is this something you're open to trying?

Remember that your desires and needs may look very different than my example. This is ONE example I’m sharing. There are countless options as we are all diverse in our needs at any given moment.

So take the framework and get to playing with it.

You can practice by writing it out, role playing with a friend, or jumping right in with your partner saying you want to try something out you just learned. Make it playful, fun, and light.

I’ll go ahead and annotate the framework numbers in another more playful example below.

You could say:

1. “Hey babe! I have something I want to share with you, got 15 minutes? (YES!)

2. Awesome! I want to begin by saying how much I love you, and how much fun I have growing and being silly with you.

3. I’m really wanting to dance with you.

4. My fear is that you won’t like the song I picked out and think I’m weird for wanting to dance with you.

5. I’d love it if we could dance together for 5 minutes to this song no matter how serious or silly we go.

6. Thoughts?”

Remember to let them respond with their thoughts, they might have Desires, Fears, and boundaries of their own. Since you are teaching them the process by example, you can give them the framework if they are open to receiving it.

If the person you are with is not receptive to this kind of communication, to me that is a RED FLAG.

Open and honest dialogue is an absolute in conscious relationships.

Sometimes it takes time for people to warm up to the idea of communicating with such vulnerability because it’s not the norm in many cultures and societies.

So if you haven’t been met with equanimity and acceptance in your request for time and connection with no movement on their end, perhaps it’s time for you to move on.